At least he brought enough for everyone
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*