At least my masseuse has my back.
You Might Also Like
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
For anyone who needs this today
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”