[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me driving through Toronto
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.