At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
There is no try. There is only give up.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My patience has stretch marks.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”