At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou