“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!