“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.