“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
my sentiments exactly
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.