at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
You Might Also Like
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.