at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Eat…
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.