[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*