[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.