Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..