Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…