@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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@Masquerage: I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said "time to get a watch" & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@lemmywinkler: The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
@LionJenkins: Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in Now out Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about