@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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@TheAlexP: Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like's over & nothing's on fire.
@garrettbarry70: Dad, was I a cocky teenager? Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam.... DAAAD!
@McMcmadmac: My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps