At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist