At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
This will teach them to underestimate me
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”