At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”