idk what he going thru but i feel him
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.