Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.