[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
had to share :’)
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Lmbo
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut