i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket