hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.