At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding