At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”