@HeyZeus666: At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
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@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]
@rolldiggity: The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.
@BoogTweets: Me: *Posing nude for the first time* Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh