@HeyZeus666: At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
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@SuperTeeWhy: Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
@drinksmcgee: Me: Why are you holding a fork? Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster. Me: STOP! *turns my chair to get a better view Me: Carry on.
@TheBoydP: There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
@AndrewNadeau0: FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat? ME: My what? FRIEND: Your tattoo. ME: ? FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo. ME: Of course!