Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
You Might Also Like
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.