[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas