@vineyille: [at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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@GensPlace: Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
@robfee: No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Bomb will explode in 26 seconds] *googles "how to defuse a bomb"* *clicks top result* *it's a 17-page slideshow.* GODDAMMIT *an ad plays*