@vineyille: [at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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@rancheroni: football coach: i need you guys to make a play (8 months later at opening night) football coach: wait wtf is this
@Overdue_Bills: Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
@TheWriteStuff2u: You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did.
@psybermonkey: [Family game night] Grandma: what are the rules? Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head