@vineyille: [at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
@usermcuserface: Manager to waiter: Wait for it.. Wait for it.. (Sees me take a huge bite of food) Go! Go! Go! Waiter: so how is everything today?
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien