[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
i wish i could marry a nap
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
what do you want!!!!!!!!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.