[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”