[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Breaking news:
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.