At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!