@briangaar: At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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@JamesBarretts: Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
@0point5twins: "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
@LoveNLunchmeat: Serious question... Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
@RumAndReeses: My husband grew a beard and suddenly I'm having to karate chop every woman we pass.