At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.