at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Yes, this is exactly right
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope