At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.