@Breadery: At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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@IronballsMcGinT: A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
@IAmKashWah: Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes? Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me? Adam Levine: Practice.
@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"
@markedly: MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit