At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
@funTweeters
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?