At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.