At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.