At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
who wore it better?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*