At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Terribly Tuesday.