At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣