At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me