At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”