[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*jazz hands*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.