*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!