(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
You Might Also Like
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.