[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Important
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
me and the Superbowl rn
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*