[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
🤣🤣🤣
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..