[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen