I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.