at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.