i baked you a cake
You Might Also Like
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?